MomMe 002: Being Aware Just How Much Things Can Change Once You Have Kids
As I was cooking breakfast this morning (sausage links, omelets, and cinnamon vanilla waffles- details worth mentioning, lol) my husband started to show me some clips of his latest film project.
I shared some feedback on the project and it wasn’t received well according to my expectations. In my mind what I said would spark great conversation and future possibilities for his business. In reality, he listened and then walked away to gather his thoughts on what I said.
A few minutes later, as we started to eat the food that was semi-hot (toddlers and babies are good at needing things right when you’re about to eat or drink anything that is best consumed hot…) he asked me if I was okay. He knew I was likely just “fine”, which is never really fine.
We spoke about the experience as I was cooking and I shared how it’s been a similar situation as a few past times over the last couple of years:
- He shows me a beautiful piece of cinematic work he’s created or details of a video project (for his own brand, a client, or through a collaboration)
- I give unfiltered feedback or curiously question something about it
- He hears the feedback and the conversation gets cut short
Of course, there are other layers within the situation above. There is our delivery (regardless of the intention), our feelings, our individual perspectives, and until we realized today– a lot of unspoken realities.
I feel it’s important to share that I am super grateful for my husband. He is beyond what I could have prayed for in a significant other. He is my bestest friend and an AWE-mazing father. His love for our kids heals me in ways I never expected. We have an awesome relationship. We are as open and as real as possible with one another. We rarely have arguments and have learned over the decade we’ve been together how to really talk through the most uncomfortable of feelings in a way that helps us each progress forward while also bringing us closer, together. We’ve helped each other become better communicators. I share this not to flaunt or make sure he’s painted in a certain light– but to share that we all have a choice to take the opportunities within disagreements or miscommunication to rise beyond them, together.
The reality is that things are not as they were before kids.
We are not as we were before kids.
Back in the day, pre-kids, I was heavily involved in Les’ video production business and creative projects. My background in marketing and understanding of art communication paired well with his love for visual storytelling. I was on set most of the time unless I had to work. I have played in a bunch of different roles on set from being a producer, on-camera coaching, assistant-directing, kraft services, makeup, timekeeping, script supervising, pre- and post-creative brainstorming. Other times I got to just be there to watch Les create and make sure he stayed hydrated between takes.
Off set, I’ve helped him with his own brand as a Director of Photography and creative business owner, inspired him to start the Capturing Light Podcast, and ideate on projects together.
It’s a point of frustration for both of us, especially for him, to not have me on set like I used to be able to be (I’m talking even before COVID was ever an additional factor). If for nothing else my presence on or off set feels like support to him.
An Unspoken Expectation is something we desire from someone- maybe even expect- yet is not spoken to them so that they are aware of it.
Technically we’ve spoken about this so it’s no longer unspoken. And, in our case with having two kids under three-years-old, it’s not a realistic expectation for us at this time. However, it still adds to the energy that comes up if there is creative feedback from me.
Speaking The Unspoken
What I learned today is that there is a challenge for Les to take certain feedback that I share on things that perhaps happened on set- when I wasn’t there.
It caught me by surprise as I blurted out, “But you were the one that wanted kids.”
I felt caught between us doing what we said we wanted (having kids and our businesses) and also feeling like I was not meeting all we wanted for ourselves with one another. It felt like a Catch-22 of sorts.
I get where he was coming from. I also missed being on set with him but to me being on set with him is me being home with the kids so that he has full control of his schedule. Then around the kids’ schedules and needs, I build my me-time, our-time, and my business, from there all else builds around those things.
I know he gets it. I know he values me. And, I know because he says it multiple times in a day that he’s grateful for all I do. I am equally grateful for all he does.
That doesn’t make it any easier though to accept what now is reality.
Do you know what your unspoken desires are?
Have you spoken your unspoken thoughts and desires? Why or why not?
Speaking My Truth
Add to all of this my truth that I stood on a few years ago– I don’t always want to be on his sets and I can’t always be available to his business.
I have my own wants and I knew at that time that I needed to start honoring and making space for my self– what I was about and what business I wanted to serve through.
It wasn’t easy to tell myself and then Les– that supporting him as I was at that time in our life felt like it was consuming so much of me and who I was being (way before kids). Additionally, I needed to step back to nurture myself.
That’s some hard and powerful *ish.
And to this day, it’s a work in progress to put me on the front burner.
It’s become essential to focus on me.
It’s made me a better me, and a better me for them.
Have you explored your own truth? Have you thought about what you need in place to nurture that truth?
Have you spoken those to your partner? What it means for you, for them, for the family?
The Evolution Of Support, Collaboration, & Partnership
We are ever-changing and the world is ever-changing. Add to that, raising kiddos that are not just ever-changing- they are in the very midst of ever-evolving in their first transformative life stages.
What we needed yesterday is different than what we need today or what we may need in a few hours. Especially as moms. Or as either parent in today’s share.
We have daily check-ins to see how we are each doing as parents and as entrepreneurs, most importantly as people and as lovers.
How do you honor yourself through your own changes?
How do you hold space for yourself and give yourself access to grace amidst everything being in a constant state of change?
What kind of conversations need to take place with your significant other on what this new season of life and self require of the partnership?
What WAS, What IS, What CAN BE
There are so many layers to a person, add to that a relationship and kiddos… no wonder sometimes life can feel so bonkers.
What was, what is, and what can be.MomMe On The Front Burner
I invite you to sit with your favorite beverage and think or journal about that phrase for where you are in life at this moment.